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Today I broke up with my boyfriend.

I was fine for most of the day, only shedding a couple of tears once or twice, and then I got home and my housemates hugged me and brought out this huge stack of chocolate and then I started crying. Partly because I'd been doing my best to keep myself together all day while at uni and in front of other people and had to let go at some point, and partly because, relationship drama aside, I was extremely touched by their gestures.

I do think I learnt something, though. He was the first person I'd ever dated. Back before I came to Perth, whenever I tried to envison my ideal partner (assuming it wasn't one of my bad days where I felt ugly and horrible and didn't think anyone would ever want me), I felt it was important that they share at least some of my interests. Tolkien, Harry Potter, Star Trek, Gaiman, Pratchett, sci fi/fantasy in general, ancient and medieval history/archaeology, fanfic, roleplay, costuming etc. So few people in Singapore did. Obviously, I also figured that they'd have to actually like me, which I thought would be rare. And then I came to Perth and made many geeky friends and joined the SCA and realised that actually, there were a lot of nerds and geeks around me who shared my interests. And SCA was now one of them. And there was the uni sci fi/fantasy club and the Queer Department and the Perth Discworld fan club... being surrounded by geeks was awesome, and by that point I wasn't thinking too hard about romance or particularly looking, aside from vague halfhearted fantasies about Richard Armitage lookalikes. XD

Sometimes I wonder if the reason I said yes (albeit warily) when he first expressed interest was that I was surprised by someone showing genuine interest in me. And as time wore on, I was won over by the fact that he shared my interests and would tell me fun little things about medieval culture that I hadn't known, that made me see a Tolkien scene in a new light, and stuff like that. I did have genuine affection for him.

Anyway. The thing I learnt is that you can meet and date someone who's nearly perfect for you in a lot of ways, who has gorgeous eyes and shares your passions for a lot of things (Tolkien, HP, Discworld, ancient and medieval history and languages and archaeology, Egypt, SCA, swordfighting, steampunk LARP, costuming, random trivia) and introduces you to new things that you fall in love with (Stargate; I'd seen and loved the original movie, but he introduced me to the TV series, which I was aware of but had never watched until now) and shares your ideals and values (honour, chivalry, knowledge, feminism), who cares deeply for you with almost frightening intensity, who makes you feel ridiculously happy... and things can still not work out, even if you think that logically they ought to. At least we're still friends.

I had to end things, but I also kind of hate myself for it.

On a very vaguely related note, I'm getting professional help for stress and anxiety issues. \o/

Crossposted from Dreamwidth: http://sivaroobini.dreamwidth.org/86461.html.


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